She hasn't called to check in on me
Part of me feels free
the other side worries
did I overreact?
Did I hurt her feelings?
She constantly hurts mine
Belittling, demanding, questioning and disapproving.
Negative, and always assuming the worst
There is no pleasing her.
Earlier that day, I felt like exploding.
Boiling over, steam out of a teapot.
Finally calling her was an escalation.
Built up from constantly being put in a box
Being predetermined for the errors I will make
based on every one else's mistakes
I am doomed to relive their yesterdays
Is it the same story with us all
told over and over again?
She makes me eat my words---
small mouth fulls daily
until I can't take it and
my saliva tastes bitter.
She says my life is a gift she gave me
A gift I must repay her, one which I will be forever in debt to her
We had gotten passed this---
we defeated the green eyed monster
but here we are again
mid-lake, in a canoe with no paddle
Maybe I should have lied, or kept the truth like I usually do
I do this for two reasons
I feel like my happiness will bring you joy, because that's how all mothers feel
sometimes I don't want to give you that joy.
And the fear that you will find a way to twist my happiness and use it against me
to jab at me, make me seem selfish, find the negative and then
well you know the then...
You taught me or tried and continuously try to teach me, to trust no one
to have no friends, to believe everyone is out to get me, they are all my enemies
I often wonder if you have included yourself in this lesson
As a result you have become one of my unconscious voices in my head
the one that speaks in Spanish, loudly, with ugly words.
but a driving force
pushing me forward, mixing in my mind with our insanities and insecurities
all into one.
She hasn't called in days, the phone hasn't rang, I haven't heard her voice.
Outloud nor in my head.
