Transformation Occurs
purposely a wall of mirrors
so that I can see me for me
had been avoiding myself for over half a decade
focusing on my mind, bruised heart,
rejection, plotting, revenge,
façade of a bitch
building up my emotion
around everyone else
cutting myself, figuratively
breaking off pieces of my heart
leaving a trail behind
hoping someone would follow
and find me, find me
cloaked in layers of thick skin
stretch marks and scars
buying clothes and more clothes
filling voids
writing about "love/lust"and lying,
believing his lies, my lies, everyone's fucking lies
it's okay to feel ugly and hurt
gorgeous
inked, facing me, everyday
so that I begin to believe again
someplace I might have lost me
so I wrote on my skin
wrote on paper
peeled off layers like an onion
tears flowed from my eyes
continuously crying
until I ran dry
my layers are being shed away
I feel half way back
mirrors purposely surround me
clues surround me
places I run to
people with words to tell me
dreams and goals to
remind me
transform
transform
into the innocent, naive girl you were
before the alcohol
before the lust
before all that was added to the equation
simple versus complex
transform
transformation as it continues
occurs
my mother's voice
She hasn't called to check in on me
Part of me feels free
the other side worries
did I overreact?
Did I hurt her feelings?
She constantly hurts mine
Belittling, demanding, questioning and disapproving.
Negative, and always assuming the worst
There is no pleasing her.
Earlier that day, I felt like exploding.
Boiling over, steam out of a teapot.
Finally calling her was an escalation.
Built up from constantly being put in a box
Being predetermined for the errors I will make
based on every one else's mistakes
I am doomed to relive their yesterdays
Is it the same story with us all
told over and over again?
She makes me eat my words---
small mouth fulls daily
until I can't take it and
my saliva tastes bitter.
She says my life is a gift she gave me
A gift I must repay her, one which I will be forever in debt to her
We had gotten passed this---
we defeated the green eyed monster
but here we are again
mid-lake, in a canoe with no paddle
Maybe I should have lied, or kept the truth like I usually do
I do this for two reasons
I feel like my happiness will bring you joy, because that's how all mothers feel
sometimes I don't want to give you that joy.
And the fear that you will find a way to twist my happiness and use it against me
to jab at me, make me seem selfish, find the negative and then
well you know the then...
You taught me or tried and continuously try to teach me, to trust no one
to have no friends, to believe everyone is out to get me, they are all my enemies
I often wonder if you have included yourself in this lesson
As a result you have become one of my unconscious voices in my head
the one that speaks in Spanish, loudly, with ugly words.
but a driving force
pushing me forward, mixing in my mind with our insanities and insecurities
all into one.
She hasn't called in days, the phone hasn't rang, I haven't heard her voice.
Outloud nor in my head.
Part of me feels free
the other side worries
did I overreact?
Did I hurt her feelings?
She constantly hurts mine
Belittling, demanding, questioning and disapproving.
Negative, and always assuming the worst
There is no pleasing her.
Earlier that day, I felt like exploding.
Boiling over, steam out of a teapot.
Finally calling her was an escalation.
Built up from constantly being put in a box
Being predetermined for the errors I will make
based on every one else's mistakes
I am doomed to relive their yesterdays
Is it the same story with us all
told over and over again?
She makes me eat my words---
small mouth fulls daily
until I can't take it and
my saliva tastes bitter.
She says my life is a gift she gave me
A gift I must repay her, one which I will be forever in debt to her
We had gotten passed this---
we defeated the green eyed monster
but here we are again
mid-lake, in a canoe with no paddle
Maybe I should have lied, or kept the truth like I usually do
I do this for two reasons
I feel like my happiness will bring you joy, because that's how all mothers feel
sometimes I don't want to give you that joy.
And the fear that you will find a way to twist my happiness and use it against me
to jab at me, make me seem selfish, find the negative and then
well you know the then...
You taught me or tried and continuously try to teach me, to trust no one
to have no friends, to believe everyone is out to get me, they are all my enemies
I often wonder if you have included yourself in this lesson
As a result you have become one of my unconscious voices in my head
the one that speaks in Spanish, loudly, with ugly words.
but a driving force
pushing me forward, mixing in my mind with our insanities and insecurities
all into one.
She hasn't called in days, the phone hasn't rang, I haven't heard her voice.
Outloud nor in my head.
untitled 9.5.12
me da mariposas---
right until the moment he arrives
I see him and they settle
he brings me calm
a security and comfort I can't quite yet describe
as if he sees so much more
and knows I see much more
but no words
just glances and stares
quick little kisses and surprises here and there
the warmth of an embrace
sitting here
still surrounded by the energy you bring
I can smell you on my skin
the numbness is fading
and I remember the touch of your lips
the sound and beat of your heart
at rest
your eyes staring down at me every so often
light fills your eyes
and brightness--radiant glow that covers your face
I lay here
my body thrown across yours
at rest
and I don't want to let go
such a redundant phrase
such a feeling, misplaced
no words--no, nothing
and all I need are those eyes
looking into mine
that constant feeling and knowing
you are searching for more
his eyes close
his breath becomes rhythmic
asleep
watching on
feeling and looking ever so peaceful
at rest.
and so we settle.
a new unknown destination
I've got ink all over my hands tonight
I'm letting go of my fears and vices
you've made it seem as though the time is finally right
I'm willing to take this risk
with you
don't let me down
let me down
break me down
build me up
crazy how one person can evoke so much emotion
and make you start writing a new chapter
all of a sudden
here we are
try to absorb everything
too quickly?
I don't really know
is there more to this?
there outta be
crazy feeling you've got me
you've got me thinking
making me slightly crazy
that's how it outta be?
It's how it is.
Psyching myself out
Weighing the negatives and the positives on a scale
trying to find a balance.
Another big question --
what happens when you start to find the little things you don't quite like
it's bound to happen
am I jumping
jumping too far
rushing a head
tripping over my own feet
I can't see straight
All of a sudden it's dark outside
and I've got to trust that it's you that I'm holding on to
so here is to my new unknown destination
my new inspiration
I finally stopped smiling, as the thoughts begin to sink in
You've arrived.
and here we go into the unknown.
I'm letting go of my fears and vices
you've made it seem as though the time is finally right
I'm willing to take this risk
with you
don't let me down
let me down
break me down
build me up
crazy how one person can evoke so much emotion
and make you start writing a new chapter
all of a sudden
here we are
try to absorb everything
too quickly?
I don't really know
is there more to this?
there outta be
crazy feeling you've got me
you've got me thinking
making me slightly crazy
that's how it outta be?
It's how it is.
Psyching myself out
Weighing the negatives and the positives on a scale
trying to find a balance.
Another big question --
what happens when you start to find the little things you don't quite like
it's bound to happen
am I jumping
jumping too far
rushing a head
tripping over my own feet
I can't see straight
All of a sudden it's dark outside
and I've got to trust that it's you that I'm holding on to
so here is to my new unknown destination
my new inspiration
I finally stopped smiling, as the thoughts begin to sink in
You've arrived.
and here we go into the unknown.
over exposed photograph
My thoughts
sometimes sound like they are being screamed out loud
more than words
more like a photograph
open to perception
and being exposed
That is only in my head
You can't read my mind
Not completely, no, not yet
Maybe just a little
I'm scared we will be too much
and I remind myself that this is only the beginning
The storm will calm
as soon as we are exposed
just please help me breathe a little
even die a little
turn down the lights
make my room feel and fill red
in a dark room hold me tight
make sure I am not over exposed
then bring me back to life
because I've been holding back for some time now
hiding my heart
you say you want to hold off giving your heart
for someone that deserves it
so don't wear your heart on your sleeve
Don't let us fall so easily
don't let me fight it off
I can see myself sneakily putting up walls
already
simply because I am afraid
to tell
to tell my story
and be exposed
no I know you won't run away with my stories nor my world
but rather the fear sets in that I will be exposed
and not on my own accord
and all my bad sides will show
like an over exposed photograph
just leave me as a negative instead
under the pretty face, lies so much more
lies, evil
lies so much more
So I've learned to believe
so I've conditioned myself to think
I'm usually the villain
truth be told maybe I am simply under exposed.
sometimes sound like they are being screamed out loud
more than words
more like a photograph
open to perception
and being exposed
That is only in my head
You can't read my mind
Not completely, no, not yet
Maybe just a little
I'm scared we will be too much
and I remind myself that this is only the beginning
The storm will calm
as soon as we are exposed
just please help me breathe a little
even die a little
turn down the lights
make my room feel and fill red
in a dark room hold me tight
make sure I am not over exposed
then bring me back to life
because I've been holding back for some time now
hiding my heart
you say you want to hold off giving your heart
for someone that deserves it
so don't wear your heart on your sleeve
Don't let us fall so easily
don't let me fight it off
I can see myself sneakily putting up walls
already
simply because I am afraid
to tell
to tell my story
and be exposed
no I know you won't run away with my stories nor my world
but rather the fear sets in that I will be exposed
and not on my own accord
and all my bad sides will show
like an over exposed photograph
just leave me as a negative instead
under the pretty face, lies so much more
lies, evil
lies so much more
So I've learned to believe
so I've conditioned myself to think
I'm usually the villain
truth be told maybe I am simply under exposed.
My heart on a silver platter
I'm scared--but here you go.
told you that I was willing to take this risk with you.
taring down these walls
so you can see that there is much more to me
one brick at a time
letting the tears dry
making sure that my eyes seem bright
told you "please be patient with me"
here is my heart on a silver platter
fresh, bloody, bruised, beating freely, red, blue, and purple
yours for the taking
filled with ache
unsure what we are expecting
I should really care a lot less
but I've never worn my heart on my sleeve
I feel insecure
like this is all a dream
and soon I'll wake
to find that I've been sleeping with my eyes open
here is my heart on a silver platter
fresh, bloody, bruised, beating freely, red, blue, and purple
yours for the taking
looking at you in amazement
I pinch myself
just to believe you really exist
and here you are standing next to me
fingers intertwined
staring straight into me
I've always felt so alone
my mind feels like such a mess
thoughts fill my head
but I cannot get one coherent word said
and I'm struggling for air
here is my heart on a silver platter
fresh, bloody, bruised, beating freely, red, blue, and purple
yours for the taking
you've taken my breath away
told you that I was willing to take this risk with you.
taring down these walls
so you can see that there is much more to me
one brick at a time
letting the tears dry
making sure that my eyes seem bright
told you "please be patient with me"
here is my heart on a silver platter
fresh, bloody, bruised, beating freely, red, blue, and purple
yours for the taking
filled with ache
unsure what we are expecting
I should really care a lot less
but I've never worn my heart on my sleeve
I feel insecure
like this is all a dream
and soon I'll wake
to find that I've been sleeping with my eyes open
here is my heart on a silver platter
fresh, bloody, bruised, beating freely, red, blue, and purple
yours for the taking
looking at you in amazement
I pinch myself
just to believe you really exist
and here you are standing next to me
fingers intertwined
staring straight into me
I've always felt so alone
my mind feels like such a mess
thoughts fill my head
but I cannot get one coherent word said
and I'm struggling for air
here is my heart on a silver platter
fresh, bloody, bruised, beating freely, red, blue, and purple
yours for the taking
you've taken my breath away
Filling the guilty void
Empty, empty--- I like to stay on empty
I avoid the phone calls
Because I don't want to hear the desperation
& panic in her voice.
It may be starting again
Another hick-up
---Some mid life crisis
I'm unhappy ---fuck this all
"Que haremos--it's all we've ever known."
I get scared for us.
I get scared for you too--
My heart feels guilty
I would like to offer you more.
Instead I try to cut the conversation short.
Pretend that there is static,
too much noise !!!
there is.
I hear my heart panic
--pounding noise--
my head starts spinning
You know he is reaching for the liquor cabinet
She feels helpless and ever more alone
I start to look else where to fill the emptiness I am creating
something---someone---
to fill the void
to avoid
to keep running
I am always too busy shutting doors
Shutting the door behind me
to the past me
my past life
to that life
Pretending its settled
but when it rains
it pours
and what is buried always resurfaces
can you really bury what you are born into?
and you can only run so long
It'll always come and get you
No matter if you fill the hole
eating away at you
like worms and maggots in the ground
at a decomposing body
feeding their hunger
their desire for more---
guilty void
I like to stay on empty--
empty, empty
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pihYCzuuS7o
I avoid the phone calls
Because I don't want to hear the desperation
& panic in her voice.
It may be starting again
Another hick-up
---Some mid life crisis
I'm unhappy ---fuck this all
"Que haremos--it's all we've ever known."
I get scared for us.
I get scared for you too--
My heart feels guilty
I would like to offer you more.
Instead I try to cut the conversation short.
Pretend that there is static,
too much noise !!!
there is.
I hear my heart panic
--pounding noise--
my head starts spinning
You know he is reaching for the liquor cabinet
She feels helpless and ever more alone
I start to look else where to fill the emptiness I am creating
something---someone---
to fill the void
to avoid
to keep running
I am always too busy shutting doors
Shutting the door behind me
to the past me
my past life
to that life
Pretending its settled
but when it rains
it pours
and what is buried always resurfaces
can you really bury what you are born into?
and you can only run so long
It'll always come and get you
No matter if you fill the hole
eating away at you
like worms and maggots in the ground
at a decomposing body
feeding their hunger
their desire for more---
guilty void
I like to stay on empty--
empty, empty
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pihYCzuuS7o
old new feeling
I've got direction again
good things and bad things
searching for a place to call my own
a place to build and feel comfort
"safe haven"
I'm currently driving
with my life in my car
destination met
wearing my heart on my sleeve again
hoping all these feelings aren't make believe
and if so, It's good to know that I am able to feel again
Now a little bit of music:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PElhV8z7I60
good things and bad things
searching for a place to call my own
a place to build and feel comfort
"safe haven"
I'm currently driving
with my life in my car
destination met
wearing my heart on my sleeve again
hoping all these feelings aren't make believe
and if so, It's good to know that I am able to feel again
Now a little bit of music:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PElhV8z7I60
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