my mother's sanity
the ability to communicate with her
being hundreds miles away from her andd having her call me on the phone
every day
and actually feel missed, loved and appreciated.
my brother
i like talking to him on the phone
but i don't like the fact that he can easily make me cry
for example today,
he pretty much told me that he is proud of me
but at the same time lectured me that I could be a better daughter
and although my mother insists on this all the time
it hurts more coming from him
I hate this feeling that I could always be better and I'm not
And I hate feeling like I always give up on myself
like a little baby that I can be sometimes, I think too much and beat myself up
I feel like I am always running away
I don't know how to stop
I started running from this place, all our issues
But for what?
Am I just really being selfish?
Have I stepped back and looked at the big picture lately
Why is it that I want all this
Is it bad that admittedly I know it's for me, myself and I
Or rather that self-consciously I know I want to make them proud
but feel that regardless
They will always be some disappointment because I tend to run away
one day will I wake up and feel horrible that I have nothing to run back to?
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