another rant by me

since I don't have work til 2pm.

just listening to some music

wishing (like everyone else) that I had more money to do fun stuff

I mean I am sure I can charge it 

and be irresponsible with my debt that is already stacking up

but I'm not

cus I can't

I often forget that all I wanted were the simple things in life

The simple stuff became too complex

SO now it's actually pretty damn complicated as to all the things I want.

:)

I forget, about my number one passion

I get so caught up on the daily

And yes, I am always such a ranter and a broken record.

And I neglect that all I wanted was the ability to write and share 

all the things that I think about

everything that I feel

the things that make me angry

or happy

or every emotion in the spectrum in between

I should have written a novel by now

But I keep those stories in my head

some days I feel like the past is yet too fresh

And my descriptions are a bit too detailed

I'm too critical

at times too arrogant

I mean really what have I done that is changing others

or impacting NOTHING

Is it time to hardcore focus on me

I have the urge to drop every thing.

throw every thing away.

start from nothing

move

where no one knows me

Maybe not tell anyone

just go missing

it'd be scary

it might be fun

I might end up dead

or learn to feel what it is to be alive

I am constantly looking for a change

because I need something to keep me going

I am the kind of person that looks forward to things

I need goals, dreams, I need to accomplish things

PROJECTS

Working in a vault of a place is def. not my style

How do I practice what I preach with such limitations

things I miss

my mother's sanity

the ability to communicate with her

being hundreds miles away from her andd having her call me on the phone

every day

and actually feel missed, loved and appreciated.

my brother

i like talking to him on the phone

but i don't like the fact that he can easily make me cry

for example today,

he pretty much told me that he is proud of me

but at the same time lectured me that I could be a better daughter

and although my mother insists on this all the time

it hurts more coming from him

I hate this feeling that I could always be better and I'm not

And I hate feeling like I always give up on myself

like a little baby that I can be sometimes, I think too much and beat myself up

I feel like I am always running away

I don't know how to stop

I started running from this place, all our issues

But for what?

Am I just really being selfish?

Have I stepped back and looked at the big picture lately

Why is it that I want all this

Is it bad that admittedly I know it's for me, myself and I

Or rather that self-consciously I know I want to make them proud

but feel that regardless

They will always be some disappointment because I tend to run away

one day will I wake up and feel horrible that I have nothing to run back to?