the things that piss me off about my mother's brothers...

ugh, where to begin.
first of all fuck you.
what do you think gives you a right to criticize?
because we share a last name?
because you are a man and by nature
you "feel that you have said entitlement to put me down"?


well you know what fuck you.
you are the type of men that I would never be friends with
publicly associate with, marry nor want my child to marry.
why? because you fucked up, you are a hypocrite, a drug user, an alcoholic
a church going sinner, you judge others about the relationships they keep
yet you never speak to your children, and you only come around when it's convenient for you

yeah, Fuck you
Because you know what, just because you are old
does not mean that you have some merit to demand respect
not mine.
and when I walk by and I am short with my words
or I even refuse to greet you, yet say hello to every one else it's for a reason

and then you go and judge a woman by her weight.
I'm sorry, I'm not you.
I am not a crack head. nor will I ever be.
No it's not ok.
And it's never gonna be.

I don't believe people change unless it is in their interest.
So Please don't come running to me.
Saying that you did me a favor,
Drove me 300 miles to get educated...
because that was once
in my mother's car,
she paid for gas, your meals, and she paid you

A favor you are not paid for.
So don't throw that in my face.
And call me a mal-agradacida
Because I would have kindly taken the bus
Fuck you


Don't say that my attitude makes me an ugly young lady
Because honestly you don't know me.
and you never will because you don't deserve to
And I am glad my mother agrees.
You've done things wrong, made the wrong impressions, said words that were uncalled for
I am not you child
Who are you to criticize
You didn't raise me
Did you?

You set the wrong example.
I am glad I have my father, because although he has his flaws.
He doesn't say to others what you have said.
And ultimately he has been a good man.
Never a day with out food on the table, roof over our head
Not a single thing to complain.

You on the other hand, walked away.
At times disappearing.
Sinning in church.

At least I'm real with my God.
I am true about who I am.
I don't put on another cara.
I may switch the roles I play in people's lives
But I never deny the things I've done wrong.
Nor do I put others down to make myself feel better.

canvas

there is this canvas i once had
i bought it specifically so that i could paint
something for you
i painted, i gave it to you
we broke up.
i took it back.

repainted.
gave it back.
we broke up.

repainted it.
I held on to it.
with all the layers.
different images.
different emotions.
layers of paint.
of love.

we moved on.
I threw it in the trash.

I wonder where and with who it ended up.

my mother drives me crazy

I know that I can write a book about this topic.

and maybe one day I will but for now here is a rant:

Yes, we are a lot a like, 

perhaps that is the main reason I cannot stand being in the same room

for too long.

yet at the same time she can be insightful.

and trust I do not take that for granted

I retain everything that she says and tells me

I aspire to make her proud

thus my greatest downfall because she criticizes everything that I do

and is never satisfied, because nothing is good enough.

What does she want?

a good man for me.

marriage

nuclear family

kids/pregnancy

cookie cutter shit...

for me to be the "perfect" gendered stereotype for our culture

What does she do about it?

constantly put me on the market with her friends' sons

only to tell me that they are losers with no jobs nor education, lazy and with no aspirations!

wtf I told you already, I'll find who and what I want when I'm ready

What pisses her off about me?

I speak my mind, I'm rude, too blunt, loud

Chubby, mal "educada"

Mal- criada---which I always translate to her saying that she is the one that raised me

MEANING if anything she raised me wrong

so she can eat her words.

That I am career driven

It's just what I want.

What I will admit:

Yes, at one point I wanted all that she wanted for me.

And I let that drive me. But It drove me crazy

Ultimately, making me drive someone else away.

Now that train has passed.

Leaving me "lonely"

Tattooed (self inflicted wounds, beauty marks)

Chicana

and MALCRIADA

And she expects me to be nice to people she talks shit about

um, no I'm not going to be nice to your sister that has always been protrayed as a whore

Not that it is any of my business

But I refuse to be fake or rather multi-faced

aqui me estoy volviendo loca

more thoughts

I woke up in the middle of the night last night

My chest ached and I thought of you

And I realized that at this age I only fear death

I fear for death for such selfish reasons

I'm afraid that my voice will never be heard

That they will close the coffin

and not hear my screams

As I lay there

Trying to fall back asleep

Tears filled my eyes

I gasped

ached to breathe

What if I never get to to tell my story

Nor my struggle

What if I am never again infronted with more struggle

I thought of you

I envisioned all the thoughts that must have ran through your mind

I kept crying

and I felt crazy

But I think of you often

And I want to live every single moment up

Because I know that's what you would have wanted

And it makes me so mad

Because I didn't know you so well

Not as much as I would like to have

And I cry

Because I wish I could still hear your voice

and your laughter

your sarcasm

But I know I cry selfishly

Because I fear death

A death at such a young age

yet I like to live, and not take myself too seriously

But yet act with the upmost respect

As I lay there crying, trying to calm myself

to just breathe

I decided I need to jump on this

And talk more often

to myself, outloud, to my notebook, my blog, in my notes

Just so that the story is told

Of our family

How every thing comes about

Because I don't want to be silenced

with these constant voices and stories filling my head

the rhymes, hymns, wanna be raps

I can't just be another image painted on the wall

I need to speak.

I want to speak to you.

I wish I could.

Some how I know you would understand me.

all up in the mix

Last Thursday, I left the valley

I hadn't left in months. 

I left feeling trapped

And I came home, wanting to come home.

And in all honesty that doesn't happen too often.

I re-evaluated where and what phase I am in my life.

I guess it always takes me to pull myself out of me, and out of my current

situation to truly appreciate where, what, and why I do the things

that I do in my life.

I travelled to paradise.

The land of my wild adventures.

Back to college.

The weather was beautiful, 

I was surrounded by people I love.

Had drinks, danced, relaxed, danced some more

Ate some fabulous meals and breakfast burritos

And most importantly drank agave with my coffee

Lost my voice.

Came back with bruises and a swollen ankle.

And another tattoo.

But while being all up in that mix

I also hear a lot of trash talking and will admit did some myself

I complained

And I heard about drama

And relived drama that I don't like to deal with

And was like you know what fuck this.

I ruined part of my vacation.

When I should have just said fuck you and ditched people

So that I could see some of my best friends...

That is where I did fail.

I let it get the best of me....

and so I reflected on my drive

Yes, I miss college

But I don't miss the drama.

I don't mind being to myself

and although I complain about how I miss having friends near me

I don't miss the baggage that some people carry,

Although I love myy bitches, I don't like to necessarily be all up in the mix

you know?

So regardless if I'm here

In the middle of no where

The small town girl loves it

To an extent.

I love my family

and what summer brings.

The Fruit. The sweetness of my parents.

I see all of these doors and opportunities for me

And you know what, I know I'm going to make it one day

So who cares if I am relaxing and taking it easy for now...

Because I've got the rest of my life

And I've already done so much and done so much other people my age haven't

I'm not competing with anyone but myself.

I'm happy.

I like the feeling.

I like joking and laughing. And making cookies for my parents

Because I can.