alone with my thoughts

I am suppose to be witing my personals statements for grad school, and here I am running in circles with my own thoughts.

It's as if I've already said it, what I want.

But how is it that I am gonna get there.

This whole corporate monster,

that changes the coporate world and how it targets American audiences

and ultimately changes society

Or at least my community 

Part of me just wants to be a writer or artist

Or just a researcher, or professor

An activist

I feel lost. 

I miss learning

about the world, cultures, societies, organizations, and how and why we function the way we do.

Maybe once I accomplish the "big dream"

I can back track and do the things I am passionate about

Most days, I just want to be covered in paint

or writing a book, but I get so distracted by my thoughts like,

wait, I shouldn't be doing this

I should be productive

Just a little BIG rant

Bare with me, because I often have too much running through my mind.
More so when I do not have much to do and I do not feel productive
No more crazy hours at work, just part-time 30 hours...
Now what? Well, many things. Reality... back to being selfish and focusing on me
And my future. I can't just lag it, and not give it my all.
Most days I feel typical. And not that typical is bad. It's just not me.
I need to contribute to society.
Counting your money, well that's not doing it.

So here I am thinking about it. Do I really want to be a corporate monster?
Or a professor? a researcher? an artist? A writer?
um how bout X and let's say all of the above. I really have to push myself and and force myself everyday
to write, to read, to study, to submit applications, ask for those letters of recommendations,
Guess what no one is going to do it for me.
UGH.
The only person holding me back is me.

And yes, I am viciously afraid of me.
And all of the things that I am capable of.
Or the places I will have to travel to, or move to, in order to get what I want.
I'm afraid of debt, even though I'm there already.
But it's just money no?
So Really, like really? Why care?

Great love and great achievement require great risk.
Am I ready? I may look over the cliff now and then?
But really? Really what is that I am so afraid of?
That I will be far away from who?
I have transportation. I don't fear planes, trains, nor walking...

The only things I fear is rejection and failure.
But if I don't take this risk I will never know.
Don't some say that life is already set,
We have this so called path called destiny.
I'll end up where I am suppose to be

But we must help ourselves
And become the success we dream to be..
Now how do I get started?

How do I figure out me?
Yes, I'd like to change society and corporate America,
I'd like to target the minority audiences.
A resourceful choice for marketing.
Innovative and intelligent.
But how do I get there...

And when do I get there?
Yesterday?
Today?
Certainly not tomorrow because I have to go to work.

I feel like I have been crawling for the last 5 and 1/2 months
I need to run for it now.

one of them days

where I didn't even want to get out of bed
but I slowly dragged myself to the shower
cleaned my face
and brushed my teeth

I don't want to put on my face
cover myself in powder
I rather not be so pretty today.

twist my hair into a side bun
no make up.
just throw on a shirt and some jeans
drink water or maybe some tea

relax, no one will be looking at me
contemplate life, live easy

it's one of those days that I just sit
and look back at life and where it is taking me
or rather the places that I am afraid to go...

the essence of you

sometimes I forget what you look like
and what your voice sounds like
and I quietly laugh to myself
it sounds so silly
but it's true
how on earth will I ever forget the essence of you

the grip of of your hand
the scent of your skin
the darkness of your eyes
the softness of your lips

I laugh
because I remember it all as if it was yesterday
but I have to take the time to sit and think
picture almost perfect images

of me and you at our swing
at our bench
that little spot that overlooked the beach

I think about how nice it felt to ride passenger seat
to know that someone else drove for me
we never knew where we were going
yet we always got somewhere

It's funny how I can easily forget your face
your smile
or how it's almost a rhythm when you breath so softly in your sleep

I close my eyes
and I can see you
and the look you give me

that half smile smirk
tender eyes that slightly squint just for me
and I know that you wont look at anyone that way
no that look is for me

so I laugh when I forget
that face of yours
and your voice

it almost makes my heart weep
and then I remember everything

Some thoughts on today...

I woke up at 5am this morning...
I usually sleep in until 8am, it felt good for a change.
I felt so inspired, sometimes I wish I had a little recorder that could transcribe all of my thoughts and write a book or post for me.
Life is sometimes too good to be true.
It gives me a warm feeling.
And I stand back in awe as I pounder the little things
And how they make life so great.
It is truly amazing.


I'll write more soon, my mind is in too many places right now.

some flowers...

Hello there

It's Monday, the beginning to a new week. Today, I was talking to my co-worker and I said, I wish this week were over already, he then asked me why...and I replied, So it could be Sunday already. Which he cleverly replied but then it's just the beginning of another week. And it's Monday Again. It completely true. :( I wish it was Sunday every day. :( But it isn't.

Anyway, here is a song that I'm into ....

i need more food for thought...

I keep telling myself that I have to be more serious about this whole blogging business....whether it be over my blackberry, and now my laptop, I finally caved and got the internet back. SO, I got to cut down on my other expenses and invest more time into developing my writing, art and photography. And of course working on me, as an individual, mind, body and soul. I'm 23, a college graduate, embarking on this thing called adulthood. Back in my little hometown, working full time, living half-time. I guess I need some kind of project. A major project....I guess this can be it. I don't know where to start, but documenting my every day life..we will start tmrw... I'm getting sleepy.