http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY
I can imagine myself driving in my car
in the rain
playing this mellow song
with my sun glasses on
:)
just sitting thinking about
i decided to eat some crab tonight
just because it reminded me of you
and then i made my version of neptune salad
still with the cubed pieces of tomatoes and onion
but don't worry the onion didn't make me teary eyed, no more than the thought of you
i wish i still had that notebook you bought me
you know the one with all the colors
and all the little things we would write each other
even though we only spent a few weekends apart during that time
that notebook lasted about five months
we were happy then
I wish i had it to remember all those little things i loved so much
i gave it too much thought today
you know our story
and how it never seems to end
even when it ends
it's like there is always a sequel
and things pick up all over again
and i think about how i will write our book
and where i'll pick up the story
you would think i'd start at the beginning
but then you've got to remember Ana Castillo
and her Mixquiahuala Letters
how every thing was out of order but in order at the same time
i want some one to pick up our love story and be able to read it in an
infinite amount of ways and still understand the love
like a side wards 8
i want to be able to tell them about our different lives together
even the time you tried to be a little Chicano for me
but i was ok that that was just not you
i want them to know about the capitalized and lower case i/I
and how it made so much sense
just like us...
i was just sitting thinking about
hopefully i'll be able to write our story just as beautifully as it happened
just because it reminded me of you
and then i made my version of neptune salad
still with the cubed pieces of tomatoes and onion
but don't worry the onion didn't make me teary eyed, no more than the thought of you
i wish i still had that notebook you bought me
you know the one with all the colors
and all the little things we would write each other
even though we only spent a few weekends apart during that time
that notebook lasted about five months
we were happy then
I wish i had it to remember all those little things i loved so much
i gave it too much thought today
you know our story
and how it never seems to end
even when it ends
it's like there is always a sequel
and things pick up all over again
and i think about how i will write our book
and where i'll pick up the story
you would think i'd start at the beginning
but then you've got to remember Ana Castillo
and her Mixquiahuala Letters
how every thing was out of order but in order at the same time
i want some one to pick up our love story and be able to read it in an
infinite amount of ways and still understand the love
like a side wards 8
i want to be able to tell them about our different lives together
even the time you tried to be a little Chicano for me
but i was ok that that was just not you
i want them to know about the capitalized and lower case i/I
and how it made so much sense
just like us...
i was just sitting thinking about
hopefully i'll be able to write our story just as beautifully as it happened
found that where i was going there was always a dead end
granted i am pissed
car gone in the middle of the night
i know that i am never going to hear the end of this from my parents
serves as a lesson right?
not so much in disguise
you are not welcomed here
or maybe you needed to stay here to save your own life
i don't know which to think at this point
you realize that people say things they don't mean
and perhaps it is out of my own anger but i am fed up
just so tired and drained
to have invested so much time and energy
so much fucken care
and to get nothing much back
whatever right
Karen move forward with life
you've got to leave this past behind
maybe you came here to find that 3 dollar book in that beautiful library
just to read those lines
"'You don't nee to doubt yourself, V. The world is your oyster , and you, my darling are the pearl. I see great things in your future. You have to trust me on this."
Maybe had I stayed a pearl, and lived in that oyster instead of saying to hell with it
Another obstacle you've got to over come
or maybe just maybe you've got to stop believing that everything happens for a reason and this is all fate
perhaps i am crazier than I believe
I think about it, and I see who goes out of their way to make sure I am okay
and those that just talk
And I am angry about that
Just a street I had been driving on, expecting to get some where
only to arrive and bam dead end and now no car
no destination, at least not unknown
"let's see where the night takes us"
back to no where
I feel I don't know what I feel
but I am at the last straw with this one
I never expected this
Car gone, chapter over?
more than likely yes
"Ma'm, there is a 50% chance we will find your car"
It's material granted, and memories are memories
I'm pissed
but I guess no more of this shit of not knowing where I'm going
because obviously that leads me to dark streets and dead ends
car gone in the middle of the night
i know that i am never going to hear the end of this from my parents
serves as a lesson right?
not so much in disguise
you are not welcomed here
or maybe you needed to stay here to save your own life
i don't know which to think at this point
you realize that people say things they don't mean
and perhaps it is out of my own anger but i am fed up
just so tired and drained
to have invested so much time and energy
so much fucken care
and to get nothing much back
whatever right
Karen move forward with life
you've got to leave this past behind
maybe you came here to find that 3 dollar book in that beautiful library
just to read those lines
"'You don't nee to doubt yourself, V. The world is your oyster , and you, my darling are the pearl. I see great things in your future. You have to trust me on this."
Maybe had I stayed a pearl, and lived in that oyster instead of saying to hell with it
Another obstacle you've got to over come
or maybe just maybe you've got to stop believing that everything happens for a reason and this is all fate
perhaps i am crazier than I believe
I think about it, and I see who goes out of their way to make sure I am okay
and those that just talk
And I am angry about that
Just a street I had been driving on, expecting to get some where
only to arrive and bam dead end and now no car
no destination, at least not unknown
"let's see where the night takes us"
back to no where
I feel I don't know what I feel
but I am at the last straw with this one
I never expected this
Car gone, chapter over?
more than likely yes
"Ma'm, there is a 50% chance we will find your car"
It's material granted, and memories are memories
I'm pissed
but I guess no more of this shit of not knowing where I'm going
because obviously that leads me to dark streets and dead ends
another one of those days
here, I am constantly thinking about writing
Yet not writing
Lately, I've been so inspired
As I drive, listen to music, just my thoughts
I feel so full lately
So here I am writing about writing, hoping something magical appears
Earlier this morning I was thinking about my future, as always
I am always in such a hurry to grow up
Or rather in a hurry to be out on my own, again
I think about it and yeah I've been there already and I came back
I did it on my own accord
So is it really my place to complain so much about it?
Graduate School is right there, waiting for me to hit submit
but do I really want it?
Yes.
Right now?
I am unsure, but in a few months from now, maybe
The feeling comes and goes
I think about it
And I know that I want to push myself into this space/time of pain and loneliness
But that is where I feel the most inspired
and that is where I appreciate life the most
Where I am at right now DAILY
I go to work, see the same people, do the same thing
Come home, tired and I get caught up with whatever is going on
Why don't I cause a change?
The space isn't mine for me to do so
Or should I make it mine?
Other people tell me and push me to be selfish, and I want to be
and I constantly search for opportunities to be
the doors just keep closing in my face
And all I hear, is "maybe it's not your time yet, be patient"
Yet not writing
Lately, I've been so inspired
As I drive, listen to music, just my thoughts
I feel so full lately
So here I am writing about writing, hoping something magical appears
Earlier this morning I was thinking about my future, as always
I am always in such a hurry to grow up
Or rather in a hurry to be out on my own, again
I think about it and yeah I've been there already and I came back
I did it on my own accord
So is it really my place to complain so much about it?
Graduate School is right there, waiting for me to hit submit
but do I really want it?
Yes.
Right now?
I am unsure, but in a few months from now, maybe
The feeling comes and goes
I think about it
And I know that I want to push myself into this space/time of pain and loneliness
But that is where I feel the most inspired
and that is where I appreciate life the most
Where I am at right now DAILY
I go to work, see the same people, do the same thing
Come home, tired and I get caught up with whatever is going on
Why don't I cause a change?
The space isn't mine for me to do so
Or should I make it mine?
Other people tell me and push me to be selfish, and I want to be
and I constantly search for opportunities to be
the doors just keep closing in my face
And all I hear, is "maybe it's not your time yet, be patient"
feeling like i'm driving and not getting anywhere
as always, I am constantly writing about not knowing where I am going
being 23, I knew it was going to be an awkward year
boy, was I right.
I feel overwhelmed at times
others too comfortable
I don't know really
I guess I miss having some one to drive no where with
Some one to say lets just go to the unknown
and bam know where we are headed when we get there
I've been driving
with no one in the passenger seat
It's this time in my life where I suppose no one is going to be sitting next to me
no one is going to hold my right hand nor my left because I like to be in the driver seat
and no one is sitting next to me any way
I've got to be my own motivation
Been praying a lot lately
hoping for the light at the end of the tunnel to shine bright
so that I could be guided towards that destiny/destination
Feels like I'm floating
with nothing in particular to look forward to
Just a pay check every two weeks
to pay bills
blow money
feeling responsible
but dependent on my parents
My heart races
and I panic
sometimes at snap at people that don't even know
I've got to constantly remind myself to write
to may be do a little more production
be happy
this life
it is the only life that I got to live
here is to trying to be more happy
and not letting anyone stop me :)
being 23, I knew it was going to be an awkward year
boy, was I right.
I feel overwhelmed at times
others too comfortable
I don't know really
I guess I miss having some one to drive no where with
Some one to say lets just go to the unknown
and bam know where we are headed when we get there
I've been driving
with no one in the passenger seat
It's this time in my life where I suppose no one is going to be sitting next to me
no one is going to hold my right hand nor my left because I like to be in the driver seat
and no one is sitting next to me any way
I've got to be my own motivation
Been praying a lot lately
hoping for the light at the end of the tunnel to shine bright
so that I could be guided towards that destiny/destination
Feels like I'm floating
with nothing in particular to look forward to
Just a pay check every two weeks
to pay bills
blow money
feeling responsible
but dependent on my parents
My heart races
and I panic
sometimes at snap at people that don't even know
I've got to constantly remind myself to write
to may be do a little more production
be happy
this life
it is the only life that I got to live
here is to trying to be more happy
and not letting anyone stop me :)
sitting here thinking about my day, and all the thoughts and emotions provoked
such an ironic day
should I just run back to the place where we met
by we I mean me and I
you know the two different me's
the identities that blended to create esta cara
the one that owns the hands that type away
writing away at emotions and metaphors
that secretly write to her lover
her best friend
is it okay to run back to our paradise
it's daunting that you are feeling that way
and that I am in a completely different place
like I said, I wish we met some other time
in another life time perhaps; we had
or so I like to believe
I feel something calling me back
maybe it's the ocean waves
or the desire to be close to a memory
to grasp it and keep it from fading away
perhaps I want an outlet to perform
to be surrounded by art
Maybe because we never have had a proper goodbye
the story is continuously writing itself
I'm too eager for the same escape
but it's different
who knows what awaits
I never thought that I'd find you
And I hope the next finds you soon,
to calm that heart of yours
I act strong, perhaps I'm not acting
and I am strong
I just like to believe that I'm pretending
and then I stop to breathe
to just think
maybe I shouldn't run back
Maybe I shouldn't run at all.
or rather run in a different direction
Stop looking for faces that bring the comfort that was us
It's really ironic
maybe we need to go back to where we begun to start again
another rant by me
since I don't have work til 2pm.
just listening to some music
wishing (like everyone else) that I had more money to do fun stuff
I mean I am sure I can charge it
and be irresponsible with my debt that is already stacking up
but I'm not
cus I can't
I often forget that all I wanted were the simple things in life
The simple stuff became too complex
SO now it's actually pretty damn complicated as to all the things I want.
:)
I forget, about my number one passion
I get so caught up on the daily
And yes, I am always such a ranter and a broken record.
And I neglect that all I wanted was the ability to write and share
all the things that I think about
everything that I feel
the things that make me angry
or happy
or every emotion in the spectrum in between
I should have written a novel by now
But I keep those stories in my head
some days I feel like the past is yet too fresh
And my descriptions are a bit too detailed
I'm too critical
at times too arrogant
I mean really what have I done that is changing others
or impacting NOTHING
Is it time to hardcore focus on me
I have the urge to drop every thing.
throw every thing away.
start from nothing
move
where no one knows me
Maybe not tell anyone
just go missing
it'd be scary
it might be fun
I might end up dead
or learn to feel what it is to be alive
I am constantly looking for a change
because I need something to keep me going
I am the kind of person that looks forward to things
I need goals, dreams, I need to accomplish things
PROJECTS
Working in a vault of a place is def. not my style
How do I practice what I preach with such limitations
things I miss
my mother's sanity
the ability to communicate with her
being hundreds miles away from her andd having her call me on the phone
every day
and actually feel missed, loved and appreciated.
my brother
i like talking to him on the phone
but i don't like the fact that he can easily make me cry
for example today,
he pretty much told me that he is proud of me
but at the same time lectured me that I could be a better daughter
and although my mother insists on this all the time
it hurts more coming from him
I hate this feeling that I could always be better and I'm not
And I hate feeling like I always give up on myself
like a little baby that I can be sometimes, I think too much and beat myself up
I feel like I am always running away
I don't know how to stop
I started running from this place, all our issues
But for what?
Am I just really being selfish?
Have I stepped back and looked at the big picture lately
Why is it that I want all this
Is it bad that admittedly I know it's for me, myself and I
Or rather that self-consciously I know I want to make them proud
but feel that regardless
They will always be some disappointment because I tend to run away
one day will I wake up and feel horrible that I have nothing to run back to?
the things that piss me off about my mother's brothers...
ugh, where to begin.
first of all fuck you.
what do you think gives you a right to criticize?
because we share a last name?
because you are a man and by nature
you "feel that you have said entitlement to put me down"?
well you know what fuck you.
you are the type of men that I would never be friends with
publicly associate with, marry nor want my child to marry.
why? because you fucked up, you are a hypocrite, a drug user, an alcoholic
a church going sinner, you judge others about the relationships they keep
yet you never speak to your children, and you only come around when it's convenient for you
yeah, Fuck you
Because you know what, just because you are old
does not mean that you have some merit to demand respect
not mine.
and when I walk by and I am short with my words
or I even refuse to greet you, yet say hello to every one else it's for a reason
and then you go and judge a woman by her weight.
I'm sorry, I'm not you.
I am not a crack head. nor will I ever be.
No it's not ok.
And it's never gonna be.
I don't believe people change unless it is in their interest.
So Please don't come running to me.
Saying that you did me a favor,
Drove me 300 miles to get educated...
because that was once
in my mother's car,
she paid for gas, your meals, and she paid you
A favor you are not paid for.
So don't throw that in my face.
And call me a mal-agradacida
Because I would have kindly taken the bus
Fuck you
Don't say that my attitude makes me an ugly young lady
Because honestly you don't know me.
and you never will because you don't deserve to
And I am glad my mother agrees.
You've done things wrong, made the wrong impressions, said words that were uncalled for
I am not you child
Who are you to criticize
You didn't raise me
Did you?
You set the wrong example.
I am glad I have my father, because although he has his flaws.
He doesn't say to others what you have said.
And ultimately he has been a good man.
Never a day with out food on the table, roof over our head
Not a single thing to complain.
You on the other hand, walked away.
At times disappearing.
Sinning in church.
At least I'm real with my God.
I am true about who I am.
I don't put on another cara.
I may switch the roles I play in people's lives
But I never deny the things I've done wrong.
Nor do I put others down to make myself feel better.
first of all fuck you.
what do you think gives you a right to criticize?
because we share a last name?
because you are a man and by nature
you "feel that you have said entitlement to put me down"?
well you know what fuck you.
you are the type of men that I would never be friends with
publicly associate with, marry nor want my child to marry.
why? because you fucked up, you are a hypocrite, a drug user, an alcoholic
a church going sinner, you judge others about the relationships they keep
yet you never speak to your children, and you only come around when it's convenient for you
yeah, Fuck you
Because you know what, just because you are old
does not mean that you have some merit to demand respect
not mine.
and when I walk by and I am short with my words
or I even refuse to greet you, yet say hello to every one else it's for a reason
and then you go and judge a woman by her weight.
I'm sorry, I'm not you.
I am not a crack head. nor will I ever be.
No it's not ok.
And it's never gonna be.
I don't believe people change unless it is in their interest.
So Please don't come running to me.
Saying that you did me a favor,
Drove me 300 miles to get educated...
because that was once
in my mother's car,
she paid for gas, your meals, and she paid you
A favor you are not paid for.
So don't throw that in my face.
And call me a mal-agradacida
Because I would have kindly taken the bus
Fuck you
Don't say that my attitude makes me an ugly young lady
Because honestly you don't know me.
and you never will because you don't deserve to
And I am glad my mother agrees.
You've done things wrong, made the wrong impressions, said words that were uncalled for
I am not you child
Who are you to criticize
You didn't raise me
Did you?
You set the wrong example.
I am glad I have my father, because although he has his flaws.
He doesn't say to others what you have said.
And ultimately he has been a good man.
Never a day with out food on the table, roof over our head
Not a single thing to complain.
You on the other hand, walked away.
At times disappearing.
Sinning in church.
At least I'm real with my God.
I am true about who I am.
I don't put on another cara.
I may switch the roles I play in people's lives
But I never deny the things I've done wrong.
Nor do I put others down to make myself feel better.
canvas
there is this canvas i once had
i bought it specifically so that i could paint
something for you
i painted, i gave it to you
we broke up.
i took it back.
repainted.
gave it back.
we broke up.
repainted it.
I held on to it.
with all the layers.
different images.
different emotions.
layers of paint.
of love.
we moved on.
I threw it in the trash.
I wonder where and with who it ended up.
i bought it specifically so that i could paint
something for you
i painted, i gave it to you
we broke up.
i took it back.
repainted.
gave it back.
we broke up.
repainted it.
I held on to it.
with all the layers.
different images.
different emotions.
layers of paint.
of love.
we moved on.
I threw it in the trash.
I wonder where and with who it ended up.
my mother drives me crazy
I know that I can write a book about this topic.
and maybe one day I will but for now here is a rant:
Yes, we are a lot a like,
perhaps that is the main reason I cannot stand being in the same room
for too long.
yet at the same time she can be insightful.
and trust I do not take that for granted
I retain everything that she says and tells me
I aspire to make her proud
thus my greatest downfall because she criticizes everything that I do
and is never satisfied, because nothing is good enough.
What does she want?
a good man for me.
marriage
nuclear family
kids/pregnancy
cookie cutter shit...
for me to be the "perfect" gendered stereotype for our culture
What does she do about it?
constantly put me on the market with her friends' sons
only to tell me that they are losers with no jobs nor education, lazy and with no aspirations!
wtf I told you already, I'll find who and what I want when I'm ready
What pisses her off about me?
I speak my mind, I'm rude, too blunt, loud
Chubby, mal "educada"
Mal- criada---which I always translate to her saying that she is the one that raised me
MEANING if anything she raised me wrong
so she can eat her words.
That I am career driven
It's just what I want.
What I will admit:
Yes, at one point I wanted all that she wanted for me.
And I let that drive me. But It drove me crazy
Ultimately, making me drive someone else away.
Now that train has passed.
Leaving me "lonely"
Tattooed (self inflicted wounds, beauty marks)
Chicana
and MALCRIADA
And she expects me to be nice to people she talks shit about
um, no I'm not going to be nice to your sister that has always been protrayed as a whore
Not that it is any of my business
But I refuse to be fake or rather multi-faced
aqui me estoy volviendo loca
more thoughts
I woke up in the middle of the night last night
My chest ached and I thought of you
And I realized that at this age I only fear death
I fear for death for such selfish reasons
I'm afraid that my voice will never be heard
That they will close the coffin
and not hear my screams
As I lay there
Trying to fall back asleep
Tears filled my eyes
I gasped
ached to breathe
What if I never get to to tell my story
Nor my struggle
What if I am never again infronted with more struggle
I thought of you
I envisioned all the thoughts that must have ran through your mind
I kept crying
and I felt crazy
But I think of you often
And I want to live every single moment up
Because I know that's what you would have wanted
And it makes me so mad
Because I didn't know you so well
Not as much as I would like to have
And I cry
Because I wish I could still hear your voice
and your laughter
your sarcasm
But I know I cry selfishly
Because I fear death
A death at such a young age
yet I like to live, and not take myself too seriously
But yet act with the upmost respect
As I lay there crying, trying to calm myself
to just breathe
I decided I need to jump on this
And talk more often
to myself, outloud, to my notebook, my blog, in my notes
Just so that the story is told
Of our family
How every thing comes about
Because I don't want to be silenced
with these constant voices and stories filling my head
the rhymes, hymns, wanna be raps
I can't just be another image painted on the wall
I need to speak.
I want to speak to you.
I wish I could.
Some how I know you would understand me.
all up in the mix
Last Thursday, I left the valley
I hadn't left in months.
I left feeling trapped
And I came home, wanting to come home.
And in all honesty that doesn't happen too often.
I re-evaluated where and what phase I am in my life.
I guess it always takes me to pull myself out of me, and out of my current
situation to truly appreciate where, what, and why I do the things
that I do in my life.
I travelled to paradise.
The land of my wild adventures.
Back to college.
The weather was beautiful,
I was surrounded by people I love.
Had drinks, danced, relaxed, danced some more
Ate some fabulous meals and breakfast burritos
And most importantly drank agave with my coffee
Lost my voice.
Came back with bruises and a swollen ankle.
And another tattoo.
But while being all up in that mix
I also hear a lot of trash talking and will admit did some myself
I complained
And I heard about drama
And relived drama that I don't like to deal with
And was like you know what fuck this.
I ruined part of my vacation.
When I should have just said fuck you and ditched people
So that I could see some of my best friends...
That is where I did fail.
I let it get the best of me....
and so I reflected on my drive
Yes, I miss college
But I don't miss the drama.
I don't mind being to myself
and although I complain about how I miss having friends near me
I don't miss the baggage that some people carry,
Although I love myy bitches, I don't like to necessarily be all up in the mix
you know?
So regardless if I'm here
In the middle of no where
The small town girl loves it
To an extent.
I love my family
and what summer brings.
The Fruit. The sweetness of my parents.
I see all of these doors and opportunities for me
And you know what, I know I'm going to make it one day
So who cares if I am relaxing and taking it easy for now...
Because I've got the rest of my life
And I've already done so much and done so much other people my age haven't
I'm not competing with anyone but myself.
I'm happy.
I like the feeling.
I like joking and laughing. And making cookies for my parents
Because I can.
alone with my thoughts
I am suppose to be witing my personals statements for grad school, and here I am running in circles with my own thoughts.
It's as if I've already said it, what I want.
But how is it that I am gonna get there.
This whole corporate monster,
that changes the coporate world and how it targets American audiences
and ultimately changes society
Or at least my community
Part of me just wants to be a writer or artist
Or just a researcher, or professor
An activist
I feel lost.
I miss learning
about the world, cultures, societies, organizations, and how and why we function the way we do.
Maybe once I accomplish the "big dream"
I can back track and do the things I am passionate about
Most days, I just want to be covered in paint
or writing a book, but I get so distracted by my thoughts like,
wait, I shouldn't be doing this
I should be productive
Just a little BIG rant
Bare with me, because I often have too much running through my mind.
More so when I do not have much to do and I do not feel productive
No more crazy hours at work, just part-time 30 hours...
Now what? Well, many things. Reality... back to being selfish and focusing on me
And my future. I can't just lag it, and not give it my all.
Most days I feel typical. And not that typical is bad. It's just not me.
I need to contribute to society.
Counting your money, well that's not doing it.
So here I am thinking about it. Do I really want to be a corporate monster?
Or a professor? a researcher? an artist? A writer?
um how bout X and let's say all of the above. I really have to push myself and and force myself everyday
to write, to read, to study, to submit applications, ask for those letters of recommendations,
Guess what no one is going to do it for me.
UGH.
The only person holding me back is me.
And yes, I am viciously afraid of me.
And all of the things that I am capable of.
Or the places I will have to travel to, or move to, in order to get what I want.
I'm afraid of debt, even though I'm there already.
But it's just money no?
So Really, like really? Why care?
Great love and great achievement require great risk.
Am I ready? I may look over the cliff now and then?
But really? Really what is that I am so afraid of?
That I will be far away from who?
I have transportation. I don't fear planes, trains, nor walking...
The only things I fear is rejection and failure.
But if I don't take this risk I will never know.
Don't some say that life is already set,
We have this so called path called destiny.
I'll end up where I am suppose to be
But we must help ourselves
And become the success we dream to be..
Now how do I get started?
How do I figure out me?
Yes, I'd like to change society and corporate America,
I'd like to target the minority audiences.
A resourceful choice for marketing.
Innovative and intelligent.
But how do I get there...
And when do I get there?
Yesterday?
Today?
Certainly not tomorrow because I have to go to work.
I feel like I have been crawling for the last 5 and 1/2 months
I need to run for it now.
More so when I do not have much to do and I do not feel productive
No more crazy hours at work, just part-time 30 hours...
Now what? Well, many things. Reality... back to being selfish and focusing on me
And my future. I can't just lag it, and not give it my all.
Most days I feel typical. And not that typical is bad. It's just not me.
I need to contribute to society.
Counting your money, well that's not doing it.
So here I am thinking about it. Do I really want to be a corporate monster?
Or a professor? a researcher? an artist? A writer?
um how bout X and let's say all of the above. I really have to push myself and and force myself everyday
to write, to read, to study, to submit applications, ask for those letters of recommendations,
Guess what no one is going to do it for me.
UGH.
The only person holding me back is me.
And yes, I am viciously afraid of me.
And all of the things that I am capable of.
Or the places I will have to travel to, or move to, in order to get what I want.
I'm afraid of debt, even though I'm there already.
But it's just money no?
So Really, like really? Why care?
Great love and great achievement require great risk.
Am I ready? I may look over the cliff now and then?
But really? Really what is that I am so afraid of?
That I will be far away from who?
I have transportation. I don't fear planes, trains, nor walking...
The only things I fear is rejection and failure.
But if I don't take this risk I will never know.
Don't some say that life is already set,
We have this so called path called destiny.
I'll end up where I am suppose to be
But we must help ourselves
And become the success we dream to be..
Now how do I get started?
How do I figure out me?
Yes, I'd like to change society and corporate America,
I'd like to target the minority audiences.
A resourceful choice for marketing.
Innovative and intelligent.
But how do I get there...
And when do I get there?
Yesterday?
Today?
Certainly not tomorrow because I have to go to work.
I feel like I have been crawling for the last 5 and 1/2 months
I need to run for it now.
one of them days
where I didn't even want to get out of bed
but I slowly dragged myself to the shower
cleaned my face
and brushed my teeth
I don't want to put on my face
cover myself in powder
I rather not be so pretty today.
twist my hair into a side bun
no make up.
just throw on a shirt and some jeans
drink water or maybe some tea
relax, no one will be looking at me
contemplate life, live easy
it's one of those days that I just sit
and look back at life and where it is taking me
or rather the places that I am afraid to go...
but I slowly dragged myself to the shower
cleaned my face
and brushed my teeth
I don't want to put on my face
cover myself in powder
I rather not be so pretty today.
twist my hair into a side bun
no make up.
just throw on a shirt and some jeans
drink water or maybe some tea
relax, no one will be looking at me
contemplate life, live easy
it's one of those days that I just sit
and look back at life and where it is taking me
or rather the places that I am afraid to go...
the essence of you
sometimes I forget what you look like
and what your voice sounds like
and I quietly laugh to myself
it sounds so silly
but it's true
how on earth will I ever forget the essence of you
the grip of of your hand
the scent of your skin
the darkness of your eyes
the softness of your lips
I laugh
because I remember it all as if it was yesterday
but I have to take the time to sit and think
picture almost perfect images
of me and you at our swing
at our bench
that little spot that overlooked the beach
I think about how nice it felt to ride passenger seat
to know that someone else drove for me
we never knew where we were going
yet we always got somewhere
It's funny how I can easily forget your face
your smile
or how it's almost a rhythm when you breath so softly in your sleep
I close my eyes
and I can see you
and the look you give me
that half smile smirk
tender eyes that slightly squint just for me
and I know that you wont look at anyone that way
no that look is for me
so I laugh when I forget
that face of yours
and your voice
it almost makes my heart weep
and then I remember everything
and what your voice sounds like
and I quietly laugh to myself
it sounds so silly
but it's true
how on earth will I ever forget the essence of you
the grip of of your hand
the scent of your skin
the darkness of your eyes
the softness of your lips
I laugh
because I remember it all as if it was yesterday
but I have to take the time to sit and think
picture almost perfect images
of me and you at our swing
at our bench
that little spot that overlooked the beach
I think about how nice it felt to ride passenger seat
to know that someone else drove for me
we never knew where we were going
yet we always got somewhere
It's funny how I can easily forget your face
your smile
or how it's almost a rhythm when you breath so softly in your sleep
I close my eyes
and I can see you
and the look you give me
that half smile smirk
tender eyes that slightly squint just for me
and I know that you wont look at anyone that way
no that look is for me
so I laugh when I forget
that face of yours
and your voice
it almost makes my heart weep
and then I remember everything
Some thoughts on today...
I woke up at 5am this morning...
I usually sleep in until 8am, it felt good for a change.
I felt so inspired, sometimes I wish I had a little recorder that could transcribe all of my thoughts and write a book or post for me.
Life is sometimes too good to be true.
It gives me a warm feeling.
And I stand back in awe as I pounder the little things
And how they make life so great.
It is truly amazing.
I'll write more soon, my mind is in too many places right now.
I usually sleep in until 8am, it felt good for a change.
I felt so inspired, sometimes I wish I had a little recorder that could transcribe all of my thoughts and write a book or post for me.
Life is sometimes too good to be true.
It gives me a warm feeling.
And I stand back in awe as I pounder the little things
And how they make life so great.
It is truly amazing.
I'll write more soon, my mind is in too many places right now.
Hello there
It's Monday, the beginning to a new week. Today, I was talking to my co-worker and I said, I wish this week were over already, he then asked me why...and I replied, So it could be Sunday already. Which he cleverly replied but then it's just the beginning of another week. And it's Monday Again. It completely true. :( I wish it was Sunday every day. :( But it isn't.
Anyway, here is a song that I'm into ....
Anyway, here is a song that I'm into ....
i need more food for thought...
I keep telling myself that I have to be more serious about this whole blogging business....whether it be over my blackberry, and now my laptop, I finally caved and got the internet back. SO, I got to cut down on my other expenses and invest more time into developing my writing, art and photography. And of course working on me, as an individual, mind, body and soul. I'm 23, a college graduate, embarking on this thing called adulthood. Back in my little hometown, working full time, living half-time. I guess I need some kind of project. A major project....I guess this can be it. I don't know where to start, but documenting my every day life..we will start tmrw... I'm getting sleepy.
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