I came and went from different emotional states. There were days I chose to be uninvolved, detached, other days in which I was overtly emotionally invested and cried, days I was furious at the ignorance the world possesses and perhaps that I too possess. It was a constant rollercoaster, I never really knew what to expect. I enjoyed learning about time, space, and games. Oppression, violence, fear and breaking away from those patterns, it was always difficult and gave an unsettling feel to my stomach, I attribute this to what society has made appropriate for people to discuss, openly and without shame. I’ve realized that my biggest fear is change, feeling too comfortable in said given space, I am my biggest oppressor, with the constant belief that I have limits to my abilities. I mentally and emotionally inflict violence upon myself; hence I am unable to move forward. I may be over Santa Barbara, or rather Isla Vista, but I am afraid of home, and I know that I ran here to get away from the things I had to deal with there…I recreated myself without knowing…now that my time here has come to an end, I must go back…
This is it
tick tick tock
like a bomb ready to explode
I can feel my heart pumping the blood into my arteries
liquid hope running through my veins
5, 4, 3, 2, 1
Here we go
point of no return
Time gone
One step forward
No looking back
What is done is done; it is all now a part of your past
Our histories
Deep breath
The anxiety piles
And I do not know where to begin
In the back of my mind I hear my mother’s voice, whispering
“Was it worth it? Or mindless babble down the drain?”
I try to push her voice away, my conscious
This is my narrative, not a dialogue
another chapter coming to an end
I contemplate, will I ever pick up my scholarly pen again
Time to face my fears
“Caminante no hay puentes, se hace puentes al andar”
Take a step forward
Lay a brick down
Pray that this bridge doesn’t break
Remember all you’ve accomplished, learned, experienced, overcame
Daily, self-inflicted oppression
Broken promises, sexism, racism, countless -isms and hate
Tick tock change
Time for a new place
Brand new, empty, blank
Unknown road, an unknown destination
Waiting for you to make it home, a safe place
Face your fears
Deep Breath…
Now you are only a few steps away
Switch your mask again
Here we go,
Flip your tassel to the left,
Almost done with Coatlicue’s stage
Let go, let go, no more playing pretend
Walk up on that stage
As a child and walk off
Grown up
Wait, isn’t it all the same,
No, see you are slipping
Snap back into reality,
But what if our realities are also pretend…
Conscious, this is not a dialogue…remember what I said
Yeah, Yeah, el Gran Director wrote it desde ayer
No, I was talking about rational thinking
Listening versus hearing
Looking without seeing
Accepting and embracing change
That sounds crazy, aren’t they synonyms
They have different meanings
You’ve got to take off your face
Switch off tu mascara to realize that no, they are never the same
Just like everything…perspective changes the game
What game are you talking about?
Weren’t we done with the playing pretend?
3, 2, 1
Time to let life begin…
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